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[Thursday, June 19th, 2003 @ 11:17pm] |
why do i still have to love you
after all the shit you've put me through
cried so many nights though you never knew
countless times i tried to get through to you
brushed me aside like i was only a pain
heartbreak and torment was all i to gain
i really thought things would be different
thought you'd try to understand
no, you left me alone here
you're no longer holding my hand
what i want is now irrelevant
and the things i'd hoped for?
locked in tears, from my eyes they pour
and is happiness coming my way
i think not...your words keep it at bay
so maybe another time, another place
i wont be haunted with the image of your face
but for now the question i keep coming to...
why do i still have to be in love with you
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| for mr lonely |
[Monday, May 26th, 2003 @ 12:33am] |
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mood |
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 angry |
] |
all you bring is tears to my face
these acid tears buring paths through my cheeks
i will never forget these unbearable nights
i stumble into bed only to find i cannot sleep
your unspoken words bring rage through me
im standing right here but you just cant see
some day i wont be here anymore
i wont have the burden of thinking about you
no more worries about what next you will say
maybe i can start to live from day to day
but until that wish comes true
i just wanted to say...
fuck you
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[Saturday, May 17th, 2003 @ 11:07pm] |
why do i fucking have to think about the past so much? why do i still fucking care about people who screwed me over? why am i sitting here crying over having to dust tomorrow? im making no sense whatsoever. i want everyone to feel how i feel, and im showing them that which will just make everyone dislike me even more. im sick of everything being about sex, im sick of everything being about lust, and im sick of everything obsessing over how you look. i hate my jealousy and i hate my dependence of my own happiness on others. i put on these fake smiles...and people think they are real because guess what? the only fucking people i know are on the internet. i let all my opportunities pass me by, i never get anything done, and any work i do get done, its only done half heartedly. im sick of falling in love (or is it lust?) with 'the wrong people'. im tired of caring about people and knowing ill get nothing in return. im sick of being used as a sex object that people can get off to. im sick of people thinking they can just use me whenever its convenient for them, then throwing away my feelings whenever i try to talk to them. i hate that i make these obligations on myself of people who are dependent on me for their soul happiness of the day. its so frusturating living the day worrying about things that 'normal' kids my age never even think about. im angry at them for never having or bothering to think about anything more important than what they will wear to their fucking prom or who they will go out with that weekend. but all these angers at others just makes me more angry at myself because i see how stupidly naive they are and i know i cant blame them for their own self-revolving world.
...all in all im just tired of all the lies that have been thrown at me over the past few years. its disgusting what i believed because i simply wanted it to be true, knowing that logically none of it was possible. so...tonight im forgiving everyone (which is very difficult to say) for what they have done (or havent), for all their lies or misguidings, because im tired of carrying around all this hate on my shoulders. everyone gets a clean slate and ill have the trust for everyone as if they were a stranger, no more or no less. i just want everything to end...being how it is. that is all.
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[Wednesday, May 14th, 2003 @ 12:01am] |
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know what i really admire? the properties of cold blood. seriously...it jellies up and then it feels so divine. haha....i mean....ewwww blood! o_O erm...yaeh. i was going to write what i felt but...thats too hard right now. i feel a total loss of someone like they died, even when they are currently alive and well. i dunno...they killed themselves to me so we dont talk anymore. i wish we did. i wish they'd understand, but i doubt they ever will. thats ok though. what ever happened to the 'things will get better'? what ever happened to 'things will work out in the end'? obiviously you arent the one working to make things better, and since you defied my trys to restore what once was, i've given up too, because there is no trying with an unwilling subject. its really disappointing that it all had to come to this. i really miss that person but...there isnt much i can do when im not encouraged by them. so...just wait until they talk to me again and maybe....who knows?
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[Monday, May 12th, 2003 @ 1:12am] |
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mood |
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 listless |
] |
i think everyone would be happy to know what just happened, that is...if i even knew myself. i feel like even worse shit and im on the verge of tears again but oh well. i wish i didnt care so much/wasnt so protective/wasnt so nosey. people dont get it that i just do it cos i care about them but...its too late for that now i guess. its like i dont even really want to be here im just here cos...thats what makes my parents happy. i mean...if i had uncaring parents and i didnt like and love them as much as i do i would be gone by now. but no, i have a conscious and i use it. overly even. so basically i did what everyone wanted me to do, and that was telling people fuck off. i really would love...if something had happened but no. my curiousity kills me every time and i just end up screwing stuff up. seriously...i just dont know. ah....i hate having this feeling of emptiness and numbness. i wake up (regretfully) every morning with this sickness in me. i have a one track mind and sometimes i wish it would just shut off, but it wont. that one hope runs through my mind constantly, but at the end of the day it always ends up the same: me being angry, bitter and in tears...then i so stupidly get my hopes up for the next day which is one of the worst possible things i could do if i think about it now. i dunno...this song somewhat reflects how i feel...
being with you - that dog
i sit with emptiness waiting for your call
will you still love me after the fall
an open phone line, but i still hit your walls
and it's just like being with you.
the cold rejection, that we can see the
our whole reflection, that i can't believe
we'll say it's over, but won't feel relieved
it's just like being with you
it's just like being with you
you know what you
need to do
and i know what's right for me
and you know what you
need to do
and i know what's right for me
a happy birthday i will wish you
the swollen memory, so we must choose
a tearful goodbye but we can't lose
it's just like being with you
it's just like being with you
you know what you need to do and i know what's right for me
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[Sunday, May 11th, 2003 @ 2:02am] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
] |
its been too fucking long since i cried like that. reminds me of all the shit that happened in the past...happening now...whatever. seriously...just laying there on the cold tile really helps. looking how beautiful i can be when i cry. thats the only time i see anything good in myself...cleasing myself of all this pain...being numb when its over. watch my blood make pretty little designs on the porcelain sink. watching it slowly wash away with the cold water. no im not a 'cutter'. i dont cut. i bleed elsewhere by other means. its just comforting to see it tangible there, to know that this is what keeps you alive. the only thing. im sick of others being my blood. i keep telling myself i wont let my happiness be determined by someones words, or lack thereof, to me. im just through with this. im so fucking tired of being the obligation...of only being there when its convenient for others. im so fucking sick of being the last priority, pretending i dont exist. thoughts ruin my night...anticipation, waiting for something that will never come. im just so tired of this all, this same scenario repeating it self over and over. this time i've learned my lesson: not to fucking care. so now ill sign off with blury eyes of acid tears in hopes that you too someday can feel like this.
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[Saturday, May 10th, 2003 @ 11:56am] |
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mood |
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rejected |
] |
*sigh* i guess ill never get how people can be so contradictive by what they say and what their actions do. so ill stop trying to be everyone's friend and ill stop fucking caring then and maybe i wont be such a nuisance or whatever. cos oh no...you wouldnt actually want someone to give a fuck about you now would you? i honestly dont know what to do anymore cos you keep putting me in this horrible foul mood and i cant really do anything about it. i wish i didnt think about you so much.
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[Saturday, May 10th, 2003 @ 1:52am] |
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mood |
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 cynical |
] |
you can easily break my heart into a million pieces
with words you never say
i feel like such a dumbass
always getting in the way
why cant you just tell me
all the things you want to say
instead you just block me out
you just push me so far away
tell me what am i supposed to think
how am i supposed to feel
you're putting on a mask
showing me only whats not real
you act so fucking indifferent
with that stupid smile on your face
i get so tired of your sarcasm
you say all you need is space
you're just leaving me behind
alone and abandoned without a trace
so if you want me let me know
but from what i see the answer is no
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[Monday, May 5th, 2003 @ 3:07pm] |
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mood |
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 indifferent |
] |
i have black hair again now. yayness.
erm...my mum is taking the whole week off, and its hard enough to be around her constantly for one day. all i get is ...*nag nag nag*
im behind in my research papers, nothing new there.
some person is confusing me beyond my comprehension, and i've given up even trying to figure them out anymroe. thats nothing bad but...i just dont think they are a person that lets people figure them out. hmm...hiding behind too much. oh well.
back to school. merf.
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